


Jesus Take the Wheel (We're Going to Hell)

by mt_lyfe



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Lucifer (TV) Fusion, Archangel Derek Hale, Biblical Reinterpretation, Don't copy to another site, Getting Together, Historical Inaccuracy, Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, Satan Stiles Stilinski
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24494374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mt_lyfe/pseuds/mt_lyfe
Summary: You know that phrase "I'm going to hell for this," or "there's a special place in Hell for someone like me?"Due to the sudden popularity of Hell in 2020, the devil is now charging an entrance fee.OrStiles was stressed. Hell was at maximum capacity and he needed avacation.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 31
Kudos: 177





	Jesus Take the Wheel (We're Going to Hell)

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot write anything serious. Every time I try, I get sidetracked and this practically wrote itself. It started with the prompt "Satan puts you in charge of Hell." Then my brain turned it into "The devil is charging for Hell." Then it somehow became a Lucifer AU. 
> 
> Kudos to [Take the Reins](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393460) by fishnets for making me think of the phrase "Jesus take the wheel!" I just had to find a way to write a story using it.
> 
> It still took 8+ hours because I kept going back to make edits and am new to story writing. I had a lot of fun working on this after I handed in a major assignment for school! I hope no one throws anything sharp at me. Also I cannot introspect on emotions to save my life. My get together stories are horrible as you'll see.

Satan, or Stiles as he preferred to be called was _stressed._ It was tax season, he had monthly bills to pay and rent in Hell wasn’t cheap. On top of that was the ongoing problem of overcrowding in Hell that he had yet to deal with. 

God was a stickler for the paperwork being done on time, and his secretary Lilith decided of all days to call in sick. Well played. A trick fit for Satan himself. He needed a _vacation._ He grabbed his cell and dialed Heaven’s number.

“Speaking.” Archangel Lydia’s clipped voice answered. 

“I need a vacation. Now.”

“You haven’t submitted any paperwork.”

“Screw paperwork, I’m already buried in that shit! I’m feeling sick and I want sunlight and a waterfront view on a white sandy beach!”

Her eyes narrowed. “The last time you went on vacation sick you caused the Bubonic Plague. It took the humans centuries to recover.”

“And I keep telling you I’m sorry I didn’t know sneezing on the European population would cause the Black Plague!”

“And the Spanish Influenza.”

“The tequila was to die for, I regret nothing. But I’m fine this time I swear!”

“Fine. I’ll see what I can do.” She hung up.

Contrary to popular belief, Stiles did not Fall from Heaven and was forced to look after Hell. He took the job voluntarily, even though the vacation days sucked. It was a chance to get away from the problem residing in Heaven he was adamantly not pining over. 

Besides, who didn’t want an entire estate that came with nine levels of Hell to create a theme park of terror to their very own specifications?

Stiles sighed. Thinking back to when he still lived in Heaven. He hadn’t been this stressed since that time he woke up from black out drinking and rolled over to find Derek sleeping next to him. It had been too much of a shock and he ran. He took the job offer to run Hell after that being the coward that he was. He couldn’t face the thought of finding out that the one night with Derek he couldn’t remember anything about turned out to be a mistake. He had been pining for him ever since.

Pointedly shelving away that thought he came back to his current dilemma. Who would have thought with the change of the millennia Hell had become so popular. It used to be that people would shake in terror at the thought of ending up in its fiery pits. But in 2020, it had taken a drastic change. People _wanted_ to go to Hell, what with the invention of the internet and dead baby jokes. 

Lately there had been an influx of new residents that reached unprecedented levels. The last time he could remember that happening was right after World War II. There had still been plenty of room back then, but recently after Trump got voted in as president the numbers had become unmanageable. He was _still_ catching up on paperwork from that incident.

People were treating Hell like a holiday resort the rate they were coming in! Eternal damnation was supposed to be a deterrent dammit!

While Stiles was panicking trying to manage the overcrowding situation and being deeply understaffed, he thought his angelic counterparts must be having a great time. Great benefits, paid overtime, reasonable hours, Heaven must be so roomy and spacious right about now. 

As soon as he had that thought, the air beside him shimmered. A male figure dressed in pure white garb to contrast his muscled bronze skin and angelic wings to match materialized next to him. 

“Did you really just send a prayer to Heaven for help with your overcrowding situation?”

Stiles shrieked. Of all people to answer his request it was Derek. The tall gorgeous Archangel with a body so sinful that it should belong in Hell. Stiles had been lusting after that him since The Creation. 

He hadn’t seen him… since that last Heaven and Hell mixer and even then, he tried his best to hide lest he did something drastic. Like that time he shoved the Forbidden Fruit down Kate’s throat and kicked her out of Eden. No regrets. Just a lot of paperwork.

“What are you doing here?”

“Lydia sent me.”

Stiles groaned. That was her answer to his vacation request: _Get Laid._

***

Living in Hell didn’t mean he was isolated from his friends in Heaven. He and Erica went clubbing every month in the human world. It was a Friday night and Stiles desperately needed a break. He called Erica who brought Lydia along so they could hit the local clubs just outside the entrance to Hell, located near the Hollywood sign in L.A.

As they were waiting in line Stiles was struck with an idea! “Hey! If I charged a cover fee like nightclubs for anyone that wanted to go to Hell, there would be money for expansion, and I’d be making a profit!”

Because the last time he requested a budget increase from God (AKA Laura) it had been denied on the grounds that Stiles raise the entrance requirements to Hell instead of letting just about anyone in, including people who wore crocs with socks.

Lydia hummed. “That’s obvious. I don’t know why you didn’t implement that 50 years ago when atheism was on the rise. You’d be making a profit by now.”

Derek materialized next to them, in his usual white toga and wings in all his angelic glory. He was hidden from human eyesight. “Did you seriously just consider charging an entrance fee to Hell?”

“Are you following me?” Stiles was surprised Derek was paying attention to him. In all the centuries they had known each other Derek barely did more than grunt at him. But in the recent turn of the millennia he seemed to be hanging around more. 

“Mom’s retired now and all she does is nag at me to decide when the Second Coming of Jesus Christ should be. Since the first time turned out so badly.” He grumbled. “Should have brought him out when people weren’t so afraid of witchcraft.”

“Did you really ask for Divine Intervention?” Erica, who hadn’t heard of Hell’s latest dilemma asked.

“The last time we tried to help was during the Adam and Eve problem, you said and I quote: _‘Jesus get the fuck out of the way I’m taking the wheel,’_ and made Kate choke on the Apple.”

“In my defense she was creeping on Adam and he was underage. I don’t know why everyone thinks they were destined to be together.”

“Remember that one time you stole a baby goat and your satanic followers thought it would be a good idea to build statues of you as a Goat-man?"

“Can you not bring up things that didn’t happen in this century?”

They finally reached the front of the line.

Inside was hot, loud, and crowded like any nightclub on a Friday night. Derek grudgingly followed them in _without_ paying for the cover charge. Damn he should have thought of that and stayed invisible til they got in.

Stiles was ready to get pissed drunk. The overcrowding issue could be left for Saturday Stiles to deal with. Friday Stiles was going to _party._

The club was spinning. Stiles was beyond drunk and hanging off of Cora who decided to show up much later in the night. She dragged him towards the wall where there were tables and seats and tossed him into one of the booths Lydia and Erica were occupying. 

“I’m sooo drunk.” Stiles slurred out.

Lydia arched a manicured brow. “What are you going to do about Derek hanging around? You two have been pining for each other since you moved down to Hell. I pulled a lot of strings to get him here.”

“I am not pining!”

The girls stared at him pointedly.

“I’m… just taking a long vacation until I… Stop pining.” Stiles said miserably. He was slow to catch on the fact that Derek was also pining for him.

“Wait what? Derek is pining?”

“Yes!” Cora snapped. “What did you think the Great Flood was about when you moved down to Hell? Mom was furious and made Laura in charge after that. You know we hardly got advance notice and I had to find some random guy named Noah who barely knew how to build boats to save all the animals?! I worked overtime for _months!_ We are _still_ cleaning out the boat after all the sex that happened on it! I’m holding you accountable for that!”

“You forgot the unicorns!” By this time Stiles was too drunk and his jumpy brain had already moved onto a different topic. He spiraled back to Hell’s congestion problem. 

“Implement a fee, set up standardized testing and send the rest to Purgatory for Scott to deal with.” Because standardized tests were a better deterrent than eternal damnation. “Only the zealots will show up at Hell’s gate.” Derek spoke up. He was hovering and glaring at Cora for opening her fat mouth.

Stiles continued unaware. “This is almost as bad as the time I woke up in Derek’s bed and ran away! So much regret! I miss those fine muscles and I was too drunk to remember what happened before that.”

Obviously, Stiles forgot Derek was lurking next to them.

Derek stiffened.

Stiles remained oblivious and raved about Derek’s heavenly physique, his sexy scowl and how he totally should have tapped that again until he passed out on the table. 

“Now what are we going to do about him?” Erica gave the body a sharp poke. “He’s the only one with the keys to Hell.”

Derek had an evil glint in his eye. “I’ll take care of him.”

“I’m glad you finally get the hint.” Lydia said.

Yes them getting together literally required divine intervention.

***

Stiles came to Saturday morning hungover with a pounding headache. Right. The overcrowding problem hadn’t been solved yet. Friday Stiles had left it in Saturday Stiles’ capable and hungover hands to deal with. Dammit it to Hell.

He tried to move his arms and found that oddly… He couldn’t move. He opened his eyes to gauge the surroundings. The pristine white ceiling and ethereal glow indicated he wasn’t on the mortal plane anymore. Heaven then. His clothes were still on. That was good. He didn’t end up having another inadvisable one night stand. 

Why did his limbs feel like dead weight? He experimentally clenched his hands and wiggled his toes. Good, they were working. Something was holding him down and it wasn’t rope. Straining to lift his head up, looking to the side to check his limbs, he saw black studs poking out of the fabric of his shirt outlining his figure an– _Holy Christ on a Cracker he was nailed to the bed!_

“You’re awake.”

Stiles flinched hard and if he hadn’t been fixed down, he would have fallen off the bed. 

Derek was standing over him arms crossed and staring down at him flatly.

This was totally a reminder of that time he ran out with his tail between his legs. Derek was making him pay for it now.

“Uh… Morning...?” Stiles said weakly.

“Anything else you should be saying?”

“Is this about that time I made you believe Laura was God’s favourite child? Or that time I talked Cain and Abel into playing rock baseball? Or was it because I left before you woke up and took your pants two thousand years ago? Boy you sure know how to hold a grudge.” Stiles was panicking and rambling.

Derek eyes went heavenward. If he weren’t a divine being himself, he would have been praying for patience right about now. Sadly, he was a celestial and no, he would not pray to Laura for help. It would come with an eternity of embarrassment.

Instead he crawled onto the bed and sat on top of Stiles straddling him, arms on either side caging him in.

“Date. Sometime this century.” He growled.

Stiles eyes went wide mouth opening and closing but no sound came out. 

“You… Want to… Date me? Like a _date_ date? An actual going out date?”

“Yes.” He bit out.

“You mean that one time wasn’t a mistake?”

“If you didn’t go and steal my pants, I would have made you breakfast.”

“Yes! I’m so in dude!” He then leaned up to capture Derek’s lips in a heated kiss.

He groaned; it was heavenly. He was so _so_ glad he was sober this time. Derek’s warm wet tongue slipped in to ravage his mouth and pressed him into the bed. Not that he was going anywhere what with literally being nailed and all.

Finally breaking the kiss for much needed air a panting Stiles asked. “By the way, I didn’t know you were into kink.”

“It was to make sure you didn’t run away this time. But yes, who did you think the humans got the idea to nail people into crosses from?”

**Author's Note:**

> So this is where I admit I've only watched 10 mins of Season One Episode One of Teen Wolf and THAT'S IT! And I randomly fell in love with the fandom. Everything I learnt was from the fandom. So would someone mind telling me where this idea of Stiles stealing a baby goat came from? I feel like I've read more than one story with that trope. Is it actually canon? I'm going to hide now in case someone wants to throw rotten tomatoes at me. (That's what writing AUs are for right?) Please don't hurt me.


End file.
